On Faith

For those of you who know, you have known for a while that I am converting to Judaism. Some people were really happy about this, others were don't do it, and still other were like did you think this through. Well, I thought it through. I thought about it for a very long time. Probably in manys ways I have thought about faith, devotion, religion, and God for a very, very long time, in fact my whole life.

I always belived in God whether or not I knew him/her by name. That is another story for another day. If you wish to know you may ask me. I have always been spiritual in the sense of knowing there is a direct connection between God and me. There were things I believed just on the princple of faith and others that I searched for the answers and meanings. All my life, I have been walking down this path many times without knowing it.

I suppose everyone is wondering where this is coming from. Today, I read and entry in an old blog of mine. It is one of those things that made me realize religiously, I have been walking on the path I have now actively choosen to make a reality. Meaning my conversion. Before I met everyone in New York, before I ever went to Shul. I had laid out my beliefs vowing that when I found the place where I belonged, that I would indeed act upon it. It took months before I finally allowed myself to accept what had so graciously been placed before me. I was spiteful to both sides. I hate being told what do or more especially what I should believe. Thus, people started pushing me around and I disliked that.

On Rosh Hashana of last year, I was alone and left to my own devices. In the absences of white noice I made the decision to convert. Whether I converted or not, I would have been attending shul for the rest of my life. I would be keeping the shabbat dear to me. I have always kept it dear, though practice never reflected it. It was something I knew existed and longed to hold and keep sacred, but never was I allowed to feel its beauty until I first came to NY. Something I had been searching for years and years was finally granted to me. I refused to let it go.

With Rosh Hashana coming up, I am reflecting once more upon my life. This past year has been an interesting dynamic of good and bad, light and dark, joy and sorrow, however, I can say it was good year. I grew. I learned alot about myself. I also started to remember for the first time, the girl that I was. Due to great nightmares, I locked away my memories because they were too painful to recall, even the good. This year, I started to remember, thus I started to understand. Because I am secure with my decisions I am making now, I am able to explore a yesterday and reconcil it. I know I am doing the right thing, that I am where I should be. Somedays it hurts because I want so much more, I want to be further, yet it is a comfort knowing I am doing something right by me and by God.

I don't know when my conversion is going to be complete, but I do know that this journey I am on will never end. I will always be presented with oppertunities to grew and to learn. May the wisdom I have been granted through the expriences with me only grow, so that I may when others seek it be able to help. I've seen both sides of this world, the good and the bad. I know the difficulties it can present. Being Jewish isn't easy, but in truth living the life I was living without Judaism is far more difficult. Faith and Belief needed a home. I was an outsider to what my family presented to me. Now I feel safe, that I am finally coming home.

Despite being a private person, I have started to share things bottled up in me. No one knows what I don't want them to know. Anything that is private that I speak about it kept between the parties involved. I keep my secrets. My conversion, my beliefs, however, I keep open book on. I want people to understand my decision and have respect for it. To do so, those people need to hear what I believe and my reasons why.

Well, this is all I have to say for now On Faith.

Grumbles

Ok, I thought I was going to bed an hour and half ago. I was tired. I am still tired, but instead of sleeping like I wanted, I am up. In fact I am currently cleaning my apartment while listening to Andrea Bocelli's new CD Amor. I am enjoying the music. He has a such a lovely voice. Anyway, back to the point, I should be sleeping, yet I am here posting.

Classes have started. Work has begun. So far, I am not behind. Later today, I will be working on school work to stay caught up and get ahead while I am doing my laundry. In addition to that work, I hope to finally get my spring scholarship stuff sent off. Of course, I have to finish writing the essay first. Joy.

In the middle of everything I already had to do I slipped over to best buy and got myself an external hard drive. This way if my wonderful computer crashes again giving me both the blue and the black screens of death, my pictures will be safe. YAY!!! The best part about the hard drive was it was on sale. I always like when things are on sale. Also, I have no excuse for not writing which was the purpose of the laptop in the first place. However, after the first crash I have been afraid to put anything like that on my hard drive for fear of losing valuable work.

I haven't been writing lately. Must get back to that.

Off to clean again. Have a nice day or night, whichever you want.

I Survived!!

I survived my first day back. Well, I knew that I would, however, having only 2.5 hours of sleep can make any ordinary task interesting or difficult to say the least. In me, it was more like, hyper. This is the kind of hyper where if I start talking fast enough, I sometimes sound like I have been sucking on helium. Hehheee.

So far, I like my classes. The Profs seem reasonable and the work isn't that bad. In fact, I am going to be trying to Honors projects for two of my classes. This means more work. You people are saying I am crazy. I thought I established that I was crazy when I said I was converting to Judaism (modern orthodox style). Anyway, there are no honors classes at the college, however, between a student and a professor an honors project can be agreed on. It is more work for the prof, as well as student, thus the reason I have not heard about it until now. This is disappointing since I was an honors/AP student in high school. I am very surprised, disappointed, and vexed that my advisor didn't say anything about the Honors Experience on campus. She knew of my current academic standings. Grrr-bles.

In other news, in my first class, a guy nearly toppled, desk and all, into me. That was interesting. Yes, a very interesting way to meet people. In my second, class I went for a tour of the education department, found rooms full of interesting gadgets and toys, joined a club, ate cookies (yum cookies) and ran into a hardcore Rennie who reads OOTS (Order of the Stick) {online comic...inserting link here.... www.giantitp.com }. Yay!! In my last class of the day, I found out about the honors program.

I managed to get through work and going out with a friend I haven't seen in about 3 weeks.

Today, I went to work nearly dead. I HATE ALLERGIES!!!! (and my . ) I am alive now. I started feeling better after being medicated. hate medicine, but it is a nessassary evil. After work I met with my Rabbi and had a delightful meeting with him. Yes, I said delightful. Those of you who know me, know I hate meetings with anyone. Fun gatherings is one thing, hanging out is one thing, meetings are another and they are scary in my work. So, I had a delightful meeting and I will have a seat for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. YAY!!!! YIPPIE!!!

Then I went to the used bookstore. I love books. Spent money. One cannot simply go into a bookstore and not buy books. Then I went to a discount store Ollies. I found more books. I love books. Spent more money on books, a new pillow, a curtain (to match one at home), and nice, nice 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets. They are so soft....**off in my own little world**

Sorry about that. Yes, the sheets are soft, that's why I got them. I collect swords and books. I also love curtains and sheets. In general, I love soft, pretty fabric. Thus, the reason why I love curtains and sheets. :)

So, I've got school work to do. Rome to watch. Dinner to eat. A bed to make. And whatever else my heart fancies.

Toodles.

Sunday, Sunday...

Well, actually it is now Monday. So, Monday, Monday...as the song goes. Anyway, it was an interesting day. I have been a very pessimistic mood today. Waspish.

I got my dress finished and it look nice. Technically finished. I still have to clean up the seams, but the dress itself is complete. WOOT!! It took a bit more effort today than it should have. I have come to the conclusion that I have a demon in my sewing machine. So, I am pleased that the dress is finished. Now, I am working on another costume. I managed to get pretty far with the skirt. I just have to do the waist band. Not bad for an hour and half of work. I still have pants to make and a top, but that might take a little while.

I should be in bed, but I am having difficulty sleeping. So what do I do? I go on my computer and see what sort of trouble I can get into. Oh, by the way, I have an 8 am class tomorrow. Yeah, I am going to be dead tired by the time I am done with work at 9pm. I'll deal. I always seem too.

My mom's birthday party was today. It was the second one. So, it was a waste of time. I was barely noticed despite the lack of a mulitude of guests. Over top of that I was insulted or demeand most of the time I was there. Of all the people present, I seem to be the only one who knows how to actually cut a cake. *rolling eyes* So, yeah,... I should have stayed home.

Oh, well, on the way home I picked up a new USB cable for my camera. Now I can upload videos and pictures. So that is what I have been doing since I came home. I have spent a ton of time putting my picture files in order. Also, I wanted the Painted Veil. It was a very good movie. It is a love story and it is sad, but very good. Nice bit ending, despite the sadness involved.

I am hoping to get the belly dancing music I had a friend order for me so she could get points on Amazon. Yay!! More music!!! Something to practice too!!! YIPPIE!! Ok, now the whole world and seriously tell I am tired. I suppose it is bedtime at last.

Take care

More Sewing Fun!!

Well, I managed to get up and sew this morning, though not as early as I would have liked to, but it was one of the last days before classes resume that I could sleep in. I managed to get both sleeves sewn in. I have to finish the bell portion, sew accents and tackle the front. Not much work left at all. This will definately be done before labor day. I plan on starting the other costume either this afternoon or tomorrow night. If not then, I should be able to get pretty far on sunday.

I am a bit sad. I only have two more episodes of Rome to watch in Season One, then of course there is Season Two. That will probably take much, much longer since I will be full time school and near full time work. I will be wondering when I will actually find sleep, if that is at possible.

Disclaimer for the prudes of society, there is much nakedness and actually sexual action, so you made not want to watch ROME. It is a great protrayal of Roman life or what it was believed to be. The acting is great. The storyline is interesting. HBO did a good job. I can't wait to see the second season.

Shabbat Shalom

Sewing Fun!!

Well, other than working and getting my car fixed, I have been sewing and watching ROME. The sewing and TV watching is basically done together since I can't sit still to watch a movie or show when I am alone. Frankly, I have difficulty sitting with other present. The only place I don't have that problem is the movie theater. Weird. I am not paying to sit and just watch a movie with a bunch of strangers when I can sit, watch and sew or knit or other fun stuff for free.

So anyways, I am working on a dress. I have the skirt complete (with a couple mistakes, but we are not going to discuss those right...or I might be in a mindset to BBQ) with hem. All I have left to do is sleeves and the front of the dress. Meaning, I am mostly done. This means, if...big if...I get to work on it prior to shabbat, I might get it finished and another piece started. I am really hoping to get a bunch of stuff sewn before I go back to class on Monday. Sadly, one of those items is not going to be my Kimono. That's okay. The pieces I am working on now I hope to be able to wear labor day. So these items are a bit more pressing, though I am not hurrying to sew anything. I want to enjoy myself. :) This is for relaxation, which is not something I get often.

I hopefully will have pics up once the projects are complete.

Sweet Dreams.

Hmmm...such is life

Well, my car has finally passed inspection. I spent 4 hours at the garage today waiting for the repairs to be done. Other than paying out far more than I had to spend, I got to keep my defective dashboard. It sits on the floor in front of the passenger seat. Except for the miledge being about 20,000 miles off, it is running perfectly. YAY!!! Happy Car = Happy ME!!

In other news, this being sad news, a childhood friend of mine has passed away. I am currently in a state of rememberance and oddly enough peace. I am sad, but these things are according to Hashem's judgement. I shall miss him.

I am currently watching the HBO series ROME. I am saw most of the first season when it first aired for my Western Civ class two years ago. I missed a couple episodes, so I am happy to finally be able to see the whole thing without interruptions. Since I can't seem to sit still to watch to TV, I began a sewing project, which should be done by before I want it.

Hmmm....I am hoping to go to PA Ren Faire on Labor Day. I am not sure I am going, however there is a group of friends that I want to go with. I know I will be returning to the PA Faire most likely in mid to late september or october with another group of friends. I have spoken of my desire to go to the faire with other friends, though I have also said that I kind of plan on doing my own thing, which means carrying my cell on me with it set to vibrate of loudest ringer when not in a show. I really want to just take in the shows that I want to see and wander the shoppes at my pace. This time around I am not going as a belly dancer, so I won't be dancing. Well, if it gets hot I will be wearing that costume since it is the coolest of my costumes.

In general, I am ready to go back to classes. They resume on Monday. I sort of need my valid excuse for not doing things back. I have found out that I really have no idea what to do with myself when I have time on my hands. For years, I have trained myself to get stuff done when I have practically no time, that I lack focus when I do. Hmm....need to work on relaxation more.

Well, I shall be leaving you all for now,
Be well.

Vacation update

So, I decided to return to NYC after being home about 42 hours to do work and fulfill obligations. I considered this vacation. Upon returning to NY last thursday, I crashed. Friday morning, a friend and I checked out the mythology exhibit at the American Musuem of Natural History. It was well worth the visit. I love the work that they put into it. I would have liked to have seen more and more stuff that I didn't already known. Of course, I am a big fantasy geek, so they would have probably had to so a great deal more research that would have been a little much for the general populace.

I spent shabbos with friends, which was great. After shabbos, I found out how much weight/inches I have lost since my one corset for ren faire doesn't fit any more. It is too big. Well, I can make it work still, but I didn't have the costuming needed. 'tis a good thing I brought my belly dancing costume with me. At least I had something to wear. Yes, I am complaining about losing weight. Nothing is more vexing than having just bought clothes to fit you and you are steadily gaining room in them. My wallet is hurting, however the body is feeling much better and I feel SEXY, D@&* it!

Ren Faire was lovely, but too hot. I melted. I knew I would. I get sick in the heat, that is why I love my air conditioned cave so much. :) It was not a happy feeling when my head is killing me and my body doesn't move on command, nor is the constant senstation that I am going to throw up. I was whinning. I normally just complain, but this time I was whinning, which is consquently better than not being able to do either. Not being able to do either is serious. I am practically dead to the world.

So, Monday morning, I was up bright and early, oh 9 am. Yes, that is early. Any thing before ten am is early. Before eight is unbearable. Work went well. I am so happy that the summer reading club is over. I don't like the flood of materials back in, since we will have no place to put it all. *sigh* can't win for losing.

In other news, my classes are over. I got good grades. Now in ten days, I start my full fall schedule. I am basically going to be out of touch with the world. I am going to be cave bound studying. Just because I am taking on more classes doesn't mean I can let my GPA slip. In all seriousness, I cannot under any circumstances trade my GPA for fun. I have to work to keep it and it will be one of those things that is going to allow me to transfer to the schools I want and possibly get lovely scholarships to pay for my education that I can't afford.

I spent today getting my car inspection. It failed. I knew it would. My speedometer broke. It has to be fixed. I did pass emmissions. I have until the end of the month to get it fixed and the one other thing broke on my car. The grand bill will be over four hundred dollars. Oh, well, I have to keep my car running. I actually expected worse, so I can't really complain to loudly about that.

I also spent time with a dear friend of mine who is going off to college tomorrow. I shall miss her, but she is only going to be two hours away. I thought she was going further. At least I got to spend time with her and a couple of other friends that I haven't seen in a while. All in All it was a good night.

Well, I am heading off to bed. I am too tired to stay awake. For some reason though, I don't type half bad when I am dead tired. YAY!! Take care!

Weekend Report

Saturday, I drove to Teaneck to stay with friends who were also going to the same wedding I was attending Saturday afternoon. We decided to watch a movie at the local movie theater. En Eve un Rose, (sorry about the spelling) It was great movie of Edith Piaf and her music. It was a sad film in many ways, but also a trimphant.

Sunday was the wedding was lovely. My friend made a wonderful bride. The food was great, the dancing was fun. It was well worth the trip.

Monday, I went to the American Museum of Natural History with a small group of friend. It was super fun when my one friend joined us there. I didn't get to see the exhibit I wanted to, but will most likely see it this coming friday with other friends. I am determined to see the Mythology exhibit.

I have to go now. I need to go get tickets for something tonight.

Coming events

Well, my trip to Queens turned out pretty good. I am allowed to continue my conversion which is great. Basically, it is a matter of time. Once I learn everything and can apply it, I will be going before the beit din (the court) and they will judge me. If they see me fit, then I will dunk myself in the mikvah and will be Jewish all the rest of the days of my life. YAY!!

My friend is getting married on Sunday in NY, so I shall be attending. It is a formal Jewish Orthodox wedding. This means there will be plenty of dancing. This is only the second wedding I have attended in my life, which seems a bit sad. At least there are many more to look forward to since several of my friends are currently engaged and planning their weddings.

On Monday, I will be heading to the American Museum of Natural History to see the Mythology exhibit. All of my friends, it seems, have already gone and checked it out. I invited a bunch of people to go with me, but even if no one else goes, I am going. More often then not, I have to take myself places, since my friends are too busy for me. Hmmm.... *Thoughts trail off here*

I should be back in town on tuesday for work, but I did schedule the day off in case I can't make it in. I don't know why it has to be such a hassle to take the vacation time that I have earned. Oh, well, we'll see what happens.

At the moment I should be cleaning and packing. So, fare thee well for now.