I have been forcing myself to catch up on some of the movies I have been wanting to see, say I am going to watch, but never take the time. Over the years, I have naturally learned to multi task, so I often try to do something constructive while watching the movie, since I have difficulties sitting and doing absolutely nothing for two hours when I know I should be doing something else.
I have watch Memoirs of Geisha for a second time. I have seen Interview with a Vampire for the first time. Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. And hopefully I will get to Happy Feet tonight. I have been meaning to watch the peguin movie.
I have also made a ton of cranes for a craft faire. I still have some work on them and a little time to do it in, so I am pleased there. I am also making doll (angels or fairies as you wish.). Those are turning out too. They will not take me long to finish.
Other than I am still searching for a second part time job and a place to live with in walking distance of my shul. I am doing pretty good. My hebrew is coming along too. I am teaching myself and occassionally I get help from friends.
Well, I am busy, but hopefully I will be able to post more reguarly.
Donuts
From Trigun
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Life since we last met
Well, I have been beyond busy. My conversion is nearly finished. I just need to move into the surrounding area around the shul, set up home. Oh, I am going to have to find another part time job, since I will have to give hours up at the library now that I can no longer work saturdays. Oh, well, may I find something good. Perhaps I will be a tutor and do something with the education I am getting. In addition to that, I am getting crafts together for a craft faire in two weeks. May I make some extra money. I could use a little extra cash. Oh, and getting everything finished would be great too.
School has kept my time tied up too. I am holding my own despite my family and depression. Somehow I am at least keeping a decent B average in each of my classes. I doubt I am going to get anything better than a B in my math course. I get so tripped up. I don't have the patience to deal with numbers. Though I have always wanted to be an elementary teacher, probably 2nd or 3rd grade, I might think about being an English or History teacher. It is a possibility. I do still want to get my Library Science degree by that is years and years away.
Though I could graduate with my associates by the end of the summer, I am thinking I might stay at LCCC to grab extra credits towards my BA. I might be there another half year and go for a winter graduation. That would work for me.
I have been to Faerie Con and PA Ren Faire. I have yet to speak on either of these and deserve their own entry, so hopefully I will get around to that soon. Perhaps I shall post some pictures or maybe even a video.
This too probably deserves its own post. But, yesterday marked my second year of freedom. It has been two years filled with pain, sorrow, strife, grief, joy, happiness, light and darkness, tears, laughter, depression and so much more. I am nothing more than a faceted ball trying to figure out what I should feel and when. Two years. For as much as I am found, I am still journeying lost. I found truth, latched onto it for dear life. My future lies within that truth. My happiness has always been there. It is through truth that I has any happiness in years of death that I survived. I know this probably does not make much sense given the vagueness of my statements. For this I am sorry.
I should be proud for making it on my own. I should be happy. Yet, I am empty. I feel lost. I hurt and don't know why. I still can't escape from the painful light that chooses to sear me to a soft darkness glowing with the softly colored lights of happy memories. *sigh* perhaps one day.
School has kept my time tied up too. I am holding my own despite my family and depression. Somehow I am at least keeping a decent B average in each of my classes. I doubt I am going to get anything better than a B in my math course. I get so tripped up. I don't have the patience to deal with numbers. Though I have always wanted to be an elementary teacher, probably 2nd or 3rd grade, I might think about being an English or History teacher. It is a possibility. I do still want to get my Library Science degree by that is years and years away.
Though I could graduate with my associates by the end of the summer, I am thinking I might stay at LCCC to grab extra credits towards my BA. I might be there another half year and go for a winter graduation. That would work for me.
I have been to Faerie Con and PA Ren Faire. I have yet to speak on either of these and deserve their own entry, so hopefully I will get around to that soon. Perhaps I shall post some pictures or maybe even a video.
This too probably deserves its own post. But, yesterday marked my second year of freedom. It has been two years filled with pain, sorrow, strife, grief, joy, happiness, light and darkness, tears, laughter, depression and so much more. I am nothing more than a faceted ball trying to figure out what I should feel and when. Two years. For as much as I am found, I am still journeying lost. I found truth, latched onto it for dear life. My future lies within that truth. My happiness has always been there. It is through truth that I has any happiness in years of death that I survived. I know this probably does not make much sense given the vagueness of my statements. For this I am sorry.
I should be proud for making it on my own. I should be happy. Yet, I am empty. I feel lost. I hurt and don't know why. I still can't escape from the painful light that chooses to sear me to a soft darkness glowing with the softly colored lights of happy memories. *sigh* perhaps one day.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The Stark Ravings of Crazy Woman or Just Plain Wisdom? I will let you decide.
In this world, we are given an undetermined amount of time to make something of ourselves, to create a lasting impression on the hearts around us. What will you be remembered for? Your smile? Your laugh? The way you lived your life? Though life itself is often filled with second chances, we only have one life, one book in which to write our story. Throughout this story, we can choose to make ourselves better or we can let ourselves go. It is our choice. In one hand, our choices form our “destiny”, on the other hand, “destiny” chooses for us. It is a constant role reversal of dominance and subservience. In truth, we can shape our “destiny” even if we cannot choose it.
In this world, we walk a path. This path gets crossed over many times by people that we meet. It changes as events take place opening or showing us new paths in which we can choose to divert. Some roads are easy. Other roads are more difficult. At times are journeys are well illuminated and at other we walk stumbling in the darkness. Through it all we find our way. Through it all, we are searching for ourselves. Sometimes we are faced with joy. At other times, we feel great pain. Both make us stronger.
It is possible to walk a path without knowing its truth. It is possible to make a decision without knowing you have made it. Due to this traveling in innocence, one may get hurt and not understand the source. In that pain, innocence may be lost and filled with bitterness and darkness. However, when the truth is revealed to the pained heart, they stand at a juncture. Do they allow bitterness and hatred turn them down the darken path to hide from the truth or do they allow themselves to embrace the truth despite the uphill path. For hatred is a down hill path, easy to walk, even easy run down. Truth requires a person to climb beyond oneself to higher level.
Truth is not an easy road. It requires risk and sacrifice. However, faith in oneself goes hand in hand with truth. If one has faith in oneself, then truth is not as far in the distance as one would think it should be. It is a still a stretch, but it obtainable. The question is what are you willing to risk? What are you willing to sacrifice? Where is that line that should never be crossed?
That which is fleeting in this world holds no significant truth to the heart. No amount of money, no job, no possessions, nothing that is truly fleeing in this man made world holds a true significance of the heart. People, our friends and our family, they cannot be replaced and at times once broken cannot be completely fixed. That which is fleeting can be replaced or fixed and we continue. Life cannot be replaced. A life cannot be “fixed”. It can only be given the time to heal.
I have not mentioned a word about G-d, until now. Some of you, my friends, are strong in your faith of G-d; others are not. However, what I have said above applies to all. It is my personal belief that G-d is ever present, ever watching orchestrating our paths based upon the decisions we make. Though G-d may not seen to be present, G-d is there somewhere should one open ones’ eyes to search. At times we lose sight of faith and thus, we lose sight of G-d. This does not mean G-d has vanished from our lives. It does not mean G-d hates us. It just simply means we cannot see the truth or the value of the darken moment.
G-d is just. G-d rewards us for the good and punishes the bad as a father would his child. G-d does not call for our destruction, so much as G-d calls for our growth. G-d wants us to learn, to grow closer to him/her. G-d wants us to live not die. G-d wants us to be righteous, to strive to make ourselves better, thus helping those around us.
Now, many of asked me why I am converting to Judaism. I could give the clip answer that I believe Judaism is right and all other religions are wrong. However, that would not be the truth of the heart. Belief. It is the reason. I believe in what I pray. I believe in what I read and how I live my life. It does not seem as foreign as one would think it should be. It is apart of me. Do I believe the other religions are right? No. They are not what I believe, therefore will never be right. Is Judaism right? Well, for me yes, yes it is.
I suppose you are wondering why I have written this. Well, my last meeting with my rabbi has given me a rough timeline for the end of my conversion process. I have been told that my rabbi wishes to take me before the beit din in late December or close to that. For me, I am in the final steps towards becoming a Jew, which I am excited for. However, it is also stressful. There is so much I still need to learn. In addition to that, I will have to move and may have to find a new job. The job situation has yet to be determined. They are fleeting, ever changing things in this world, so despite the fact I am losing something valuable to me; the loss is not greater than what I am gaining.
I do not expect life to be easy. I never have. Everything I have of value, I have worked hard to achieve. Now, I get to see the greatest desires of my heart come to fruition. In truth, I cannot be happier.
It has been said that I am crazy or insane for taking on the conversion process. Perhaps to some I am. Perhaps to some I always will be. I am not crazy, nor am I insane. Frankly, I could not be saner. I have found where truth lays in my own life and I have worked and climbed towards that truth. I will sacrifice what is fleeting in this world and hold on to that which is significant to my own heart. I am willing to take the risk to be myself. I am what I am. I cannot change that fact any more than you can. I can improve myself, but I will always be what “I am” and not something else.
Thank you for your time.
In this world, we walk a path. This path gets crossed over many times by people that we meet. It changes as events take place opening or showing us new paths in which we can choose to divert. Some roads are easy. Other roads are more difficult. At times are journeys are well illuminated and at other we walk stumbling in the darkness. Through it all we find our way. Through it all, we are searching for ourselves. Sometimes we are faced with joy. At other times, we feel great pain. Both make us stronger.
It is possible to walk a path without knowing its truth. It is possible to make a decision without knowing you have made it. Due to this traveling in innocence, one may get hurt and not understand the source. In that pain, innocence may be lost and filled with bitterness and darkness. However, when the truth is revealed to the pained heart, they stand at a juncture. Do they allow bitterness and hatred turn them down the darken path to hide from the truth or do they allow themselves to embrace the truth despite the uphill path. For hatred is a down hill path, easy to walk, even easy run down. Truth requires a person to climb beyond oneself to higher level.
Truth is not an easy road. It requires risk and sacrifice. However, faith in oneself goes hand in hand with truth. If one has faith in oneself, then truth is not as far in the distance as one would think it should be. It is a still a stretch, but it obtainable. The question is what are you willing to risk? What are you willing to sacrifice? Where is that line that should never be crossed?
That which is fleeting in this world holds no significant truth to the heart. No amount of money, no job, no possessions, nothing that is truly fleeing in this man made world holds a true significance of the heart. People, our friends and our family, they cannot be replaced and at times once broken cannot be completely fixed. That which is fleeting can be replaced or fixed and we continue. Life cannot be replaced. A life cannot be “fixed”. It can only be given the time to heal.
I have not mentioned a word about G-d, until now. Some of you, my friends, are strong in your faith of G-d; others are not. However, what I have said above applies to all. It is my personal belief that G-d is ever present, ever watching orchestrating our paths based upon the decisions we make. Though G-d may not seen to be present, G-d is there somewhere should one open ones’ eyes to search. At times we lose sight of faith and thus, we lose sight of G-d. This does not mean G-d has vanished from our lives. It does not mean G-d hates us. It just simply means we cannot see the truth or the value of the darken moment.
G-d is just. G-d rewards us for the good and punishes the bad as a father would his child. G-d does not call for our destruction, so much as G-d calls for our growth. G-d wants us to learn, to grow closer to him/her. G-d wants us to live not die. G-d wants us to be righteous, to strive to make ourselves better, thus helping those around us.
Now, many of asked me why I am converting to Judaism. I could give the clip answer that I believe Judaism is right and all other religions are wrong. However, that would not be the truth of the heart. Belief. It is the reason. I believe in what I pray. I believe in what I read and how I live my life. It does not seem as foreign as one would think it should be. It is apart of me. Do I believe the other religions are right? No. They are not what I believe, therefore will never be right. Is Judaism right? Well, for me yes, yes it is.
I suppose you are wondering why I have written this. Well, my last meeting with my rabbi has given me a rough timeline for the end of my conversion process. I have been told that my rabbi wishes to take me before the beit din in late December or close to that. For me, I am in the final steps towards becoming a Jew, which I am excited for. However, it is also stressful. There is so much I still need to learn. In addition to that, I will have to move and may have to find a new job. The job situation has yet to be determined. They are fleeting, ever changing things in this world, so despite the fact I am losing something valuable to me; the loss is not greater than what I am gaining.
I do not expect life to be easy. I never have. Everything I have of value, I have worked hard to achieve. Now, I get to see the greatest desires of my heart come to fruition. In truth, I cannot be happier.
It has been said that I am crazy or insane for taking on the conversion process. Perhaps to some I am. Perhaps to some I always will be. I am not crazy, nor am I insane. Frankly, I could not be saner. I have found where truth lays in my own life and I have worked and climbed towards that truth. I will sacrifice what is fleeting in this world and hold on to that which is significant to my own heart. I am willing to take the risk to be myself. I am what I am. I cannot change that fact any more than you can. I can improve myself, but I will always be what “I am” and not something else.
Thank you for your time.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Wings Away
Well, I managed to finish the wings. They are glittery purple. Heeheee...they'll look cute at fairy con. It is amazing what you can do with broken wings feather and glitter paint. End result looks more exspensive then the orginal. Yippie!!!
Anyway, the real reason for posting again is to avoid practicing my speech. I hate speech class. Unfortunately, it is a requirement to graduate. Grumble...grumble. I really, really don't want to do my speech tomorrow. Hopefully I get to go firstish and get it over with. I hate the feeling of impending doom. We have to do a demonstration speech. We are forbidden to write it out. We do everything off of an outline. The method is interesting and seems to work, however, my prof has herself up on a pedestal and throws hissy fits in class about the stupidest things. Oh, well, not all teachers are winners in the likable department.
I have also come to the conclusion that my perfect batting average is going to fall miserably. There is no way I am going to get an A in my math course. I have just been out of math for too long to make my mind remember why and how things works. I can solve most problems, but I am having so much difficultly getting my brain to work. Damn wiring!!! Anyway, I will keep working my butt off to get a B. A C is simply unacceptable.
If I wasn't buried in enough work, I have finally put my proposals in for my honors projects. Ultimately they will take me a sunday each once I have the research finished.
Oh, I have a new nephew. His name is Jasper.
Okay, I have slacked enough.
Anyway, the real reason for posting again is to avoid practicing my speech. I hate speech class. Unfortunately, it is a requirement to graduate. Grumble...grumble. I really, really don't want to do my speech tomorrow. Hopefully I get to go firstish and get it over with. I hate the feeling of impending doom. We have to do a demonstration speech. We are forbidden to write it out. We do everything off of an outline. The method is interesting and seems to work, however, my prof has herself up on a pedestal and throws hissy fits in class about the stupidest things. Oh, well, not all teachers are winners in the likable department.
I have also come to the conclusion that my perfect batting average is going to fall miserably. There is no way I am going to get an A in my math course. I have just been out of math for too long to make my mind remember why and how things works. I can solve most problems, but I am having so much difficultly getting my brain to work. Damn wiring!!! Anyway, I will keep working my butt off to get a B. A C is simply unacceptable.
If I wasn't buried in enough work, I have finally put my proposals in for my honors projects. Ultimately they will take me a sunday each once I have the research finished.
Oh, I have a new nephew. His name is Jasper.
Okay, I have slacked enough.
Wings, wings, carry me away
I am headed back to a regular schedule. There are no more holidays until the spring. Well, there is Hanukah, but that doesn’t really count. All I have to do is light candles every night. It is so nice to have a holiday where I am allowed to set something on fire. Anyway, I survived the holiday season, slightly bruised, but otherwise all right.
Yesterday I slept 15 hours. Yep, I slept straight through Saturday. Well, I did wake up to do the essentials. My body loudly told me that I was going to get some sleep, so I did. I got up around 7 pm and did some schoolwork and housework before returning to bed. I did, however, get up this morning at 9 am. Yup, a 9 am wake up for me.
Today, I cleaned and cleaned. Then, I ran some errands, which included finding black feathers and glitter paint. I am currently fixing up my sister’s old wings. Next week I am going to Fairy Con with a friend of mine and I wanted wings. However, I am relatively broke, so that left me playing with hot glue and feathers. I must say, they turned out quite well. I am going to add some glitter paint so the feathers sparkle. I like sparkle. Yet, now that I have basically finished that, I am back to schoolwork and house cleaning. Perhaps I will get to watch an episode of Rome or watch a movie. Hmmm…that sounds like fun.
Yesterday I slept 15 hours. Yep, I slept straight through Saturday. Well, I did wake up to do the essentials. My body loudly told me that I was going to get some sleep, so I did. I got up around 7 pm and did some schoolwork and housework before returning to bed. I did, however, get up this morning at 9 am. Yup, a 9 am wake up for me.
Today, I cleaned and cleaned. Then, I ran some errands, which included finding black feathers and glitter paint. I am currently fixing up my sister’s old wings. Next week I am going to Fairy Con with a friend of mine and I wanted wings. However, I am relatively broke, so that left me playing with hot glue and feathers. I must say, they turned out quite well. I am going to add some glitter paint so the feathers sparkle. I like sparkle. Yet, now that I have basically finished that, I am back to schoolwork and house cleaning. Perhaps I will get to watch an episode of Rome or watch a movie. Hmmm…that sounds like fun.
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