Stuff that has been happening...

Harry Potter arrived. I have managed to read most of it. I am trying to finish it. In fact, it should be done by saturday if all goes well.

I went to NY for a friend's bridal shower and wedding planning fun, which was great. That was the weekend of Potter Mania. Everyone seemed really happy to see me. I got to meet some great new people. We also went hat shopping. I won't be needing to do that for a couple years.

This past shabbos was lovely and very restful. I am going to be studying with someone on wednesday and possibly thursday due to a scholar program at the shul. It will be nice and beneficial to my conversion studies.

I visited my Aunt and Uncle yesterday with my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew. It was a great time despite the rain and second guessing directions. Also we ran across a ghost cop. I had this cop following me out on 32 for the longest time. Then he suddenly disappeared with no turn signal or anyone noticing he turned. I was watching out my rearview for him and my sister's boyfriend was staring out my sideview mirror. He was just gone.

Tomorrow, I will be going to Queens with my Rabbi to meet another rabbi connected to the beit din. He is interviewing me about my conversion so far and my reasons for doing this. I am getting slightly nervous because I hate one on one meetings with any man of power. It is really intimidating for me. Also, this man can shut down my conversion. I don't plan on allowing that to happen without digging my heels into the ground. I have to figure out some way in to tricking my mind into thinking this rabbi is one of my close friends, since I don't tell strangers my personal business.

Well, It has been about 7 months of study now, though I first started the whole process nine months ago and made the decision 11 months ago. I figure I have at least another five or six months and then possibly more than that. I don't forsee my conversion being final before mid to late spring no matter how much I know.

My conversion is probably one of the most important things I have done with my life. People have always told me to follow my dreams and what I believe. Well, I am. I am following what I believe. I never made sense in the Christian religion, no matter what sect. I don't believe there can be an intermediary between a person and G-d. I just don't. It bothered me. I don't believe in the trinity either, father, son and holy spirit. I believe in One. G-d is One.
I hold the spirit of shabbos sacred. It is my favorite portion of me week, my time to be even closer to G-d. Sitting in a church, there wasn't a closeness, if anything I felt further away. I knew I didn't belong. They knew I didn't belong either because I didn't believe, but they kept trying even though I tried to follow my mother's expectations and up hold her diginity and status in the community. I was considered a member of their church. I never should have been. I remember sitting thinking the pastor was wrong about things. There was no discussion about anything. Everyone followed blindly like lost sheep.
I made myself a promise when I left my mother's church (we only went there a year, there is a long involved story that I am not getting into) that I would not stay in place where I did not feel I belonged. I would not go to a place of worship where I didn't feel comfortable with myself and my beliefs. Well, I search through religions for four or five years. I tried other Christian sects still trying to be the good Christian my mother wanted me to be and will never be. I search other as well.
I had basically given up. I figured there was no one other that that held core beliefs I have held all of my life. Then, I came into town for a YU play shabbaton and went to services. Things were explained to me. I got so lost that shabbos and it was intimidating. Highly intimidating. I am not sure it was because the services was in a different language I wasn't familiar with or just the fact that things were drastically different. It was was a strange feeling standing at shul. It was the first time in over five years that I felt peace. In all the chaos of being lost, I was at peace. I was bubbling over happy. I was nervous, but I was happy. I stood in a room full of people where they all believed deeply the only truth man was given: Hashem is G-d and he is one. The shema. I know the hebrew now. I didn't then, but concepts and beliefs go beyond words.
From that point I would ask my friend to take me to shul and he did. It wasn't a fluke that I felt that way I had that first shabbos in shul. I started to go to shul on my own no longer scared that someone was going to throw me out if I didn't go with my friend. Other friends kept telling me I would convert. I suppose out of spite, I more or less refused to listen to them. White noise. I needed my heart to tell me beyond all doubt that this was what I want. Rosh Hashanna was the defining moment where the white noise was going of people telling me "you will convert" "you should convert" or the opposite "why are you still going" and such vanished. All I had was my heart and the desire it held. It took being told I couldn't go to services on Rosh Hashanna for my heart to beat back the white noise. I was pretty upset I couldn't go to shul. Then I made the lovely realization that there was a shul in walking distance that was mainly empty even on holy days. I went. They didn't make minyan, but I went. The biggest thing to come out of that was my person decision. It would not be until November that I would talk to my rabbi and it wouldn't be until January that my Rabbi agreed to teach me. I was only turned away once, but I took the time to think about the decision. I waited to meet with him again until after my birthday, when I would be on winter break so I could think about it without many demands on my time. My decision never changed.
For the first time in my life I have something meaningful to me to live by. I just hope that I will be able to articulate this to the Rabbi tomorrow.