Chapters of Life

In a sense, the story of one's life can be equated to that of a giant book. We open and close chapters with the decision we make as time revolves around. When we are children these chapters move swiftly without one taking notice that they have closed a chapter and are beginning another. As we get older, there are times when one can feel the chapter closing and that sadness that comes with its ending. However, there is always a new chapter begin foreshadowed in the older chapters and looming just on the horzion of life itself. This new chapter for as thrilling as it seems also comes with a mixture of fear and apprehension of the unknown possibilities.


In my life, I know I have seen the beginning and closing of several chapters. Each time one ends there is a longing, as if I lost a good friend. Yet, each time a new chapter opens, there is excitement for adventure. Over a year ago, I chose to convert to Judaism, which has been the best decision I have ever made about my life and its path. This decision sharply closed one chapter and opened another. This new chapter that started with the decision to convert and will end when my conversion is complete. One of the things I had to do to complete my conversion was move into an apartment under the eruv. It took forever me forever to move out. Last night, I handed in the keys. I wanted nothing more than to cry hard.

That apartment was the first place I had felt safe in a long time, a very long time. At first, it was just walls, but the end of two years, it was my home. There I was allowed to be myself for the first time in my life since childhood and make the decisions that affect my life. My childhood started to die around age 10. Leaving such a place without having garentees about where I would be moving into having the same general feeling.

I am still unsure of myself in the new place. Except pushing myself beyond my limits and collasping face first into bed, I have not slept more than five and half hours a night. I know I need more like 7 hours at least a night to function properly. Things are getting better. The desire to sleep in my new place as opposed to the old has definately shifted. My sleep schedule should even out as my course schedule does, which will be in the next week or so.

Last night all I wanted to do was curl up and bawl my eyes out. My heart ached. Today, the sorrow hangs lingering, but excitement for the future is taking hold. I chose this path. I can feel the ending and the beginning within hands reach. Though I cannot give a date for this chapter ending I know where it looms in my future, which I suppose is something that is rare and beautiful. I guess it is the same feeling one would have about finishing college and getting ready to start in the real world.

We all have chapters, some bigger, some smaller. Each chapter holds its joy and its pain. We get to shape these chapter of life and leave an imprint of our story behind for others to hear and bear witness too. This is one of those intrinsic beauties in life.