On Faith

For those of you who know, you have known for a while that I am converting to Judaism. Some people were really happy about this, others were don't do it, and still other were like did you think this through. Well, I thought it through. I thought about it for a very long time. Probably in manys ways I have thought about faith, devotion, religion, and God for a very, very long time, in fact my whole life.

I always belived in God whether or not I knew him/her by name. That is another story for another day. If you wish to know you may ask me. I have always been spiritual in the sense of knowing there is a direct connection between God and me. There were things I believed just on the princple of faith and others that I searched for the answers and meanings. All my life, I have been walking down this path many times without knowing it.

I suppose everyone is wondering where this is coming from. Today, I read and entry in an old blog of mine. It is one of those things that made me realize religiously, I have been walking on the path I have now actively choosen to make a reality. Meaning my conversion. Before I met everyone in New York, before I ever went to Shul. I had laid out my beliefs vowing that when I found the place where I belonged, that I would indeed act upon it. It took months before I finally allowed myself to accept what had so graciously been placed before me. I was spiteful to both sides. I hate being told what do or more especially what I should believe. Thus, people started pushing me around and I disliked that.

On Rosh Hashana of last year, I was alone and left to my own devices. In the absences of white noice I made the decision to convert. Whether I converted or not, I would have been attending shul for the rest of my life. I would be keeping the shabbat dear to me. I have always kept it dear, though practice never reflected it. It was something I knew existed and longed to hold and keep sacred, but never was I allowed to feel its beauty until I first came to NY. Something I had been searching for years and years was finally granted to me. I refused to let it go.

With Rosh Hashana coming up, I am reflecting once more upon my life. This past year has been an interesting dynamic of good and bad, light and dark, joy and sorrow, however, I can say it was good year. I grew. I learned alot about myself. I also started to remember for the first time, the girl that I was. Due to great nightmares, I locked away my memories because they were too painful to recall, even the good. This year, I started to remember, thus I started to understand. Because I am secure with my decisions I am making now, I am able to explore a yesterday and reconcil it. I know I am doing the right thing, that I am where I should be. Somedays it hurts because I want so much more, I want to be further, yet it is a comfort knowing I am doing something right by me and by God.

I don't know when my conversion is going to be complete, but I do know that this journey I am on will never end. I will always be presented with oppertunities to grew and to learn. May the wisdom I have been granted through the expriences with me only grow, so that I may when others seek it be able to help. I've seen both sides of this world, the good and the bad. I know the difficulties it can present. Being Jewish isn't easy, but in truth living the life I was living without Judaism is far more difficult. Faith and Belief needed a home. I was an outsider to what my family presented to me. Now I feel safe, that I am finally coming home.

Despite being a private person, I have started to share things bottled up in me. No one knows what I don't want them to know. Anything that is private that I speak about it kept between the parties involved. I keep my secrets. My conversion, my beliefs, however, I keep open book on. I want people to understand my decision and have respect for it. To do so, those people need to hear what I believe and my reasons why.

Well, this is all I have to say for now On Faith.